Only You
by Yui-Mag
Summary: Sequel to Distance. Basically what happens to Akira and Hikaru after Akira makes the decision to stay in Japan.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer- I do not own Hikaru no Go characters. I'm just borrowing them because I love the story, I love the characters and I have way too much imagination.

To all those who wanted a sequel to Distance, here it is.

I hope you enjoy!!!

Only You…

Ch.1- A New Day

            A couple of weeks had passed since Touya, Akira had come back from his trip to China. And in that short amount of time, his whole world had seemed to spin on its head before going back to a semi normal state. Semi because of course… nothing was ever normal when Shindo was involved. Hikaru. It was Hikaru now… Akira smiled softly and shook his head, his shoulder length hair gently brushing the side of his face. 

            He was waiting for the other Go player to finish his game so that they could 'hang out', as Hikaru had called it. Akira didn't really know what to expect but had decided to stop worrying about it because it would only prove Hikaru's point in the fact that he was always too tense and serious, which he wasn't. Meh. He let himself lean back onto the wall, hoping not to catch another pro's eyes that would then want to start a conversation with him. His hope was to no avail as a new pro came from the elevator and came to his side. With an inward sigh, Akira straightened himself, his polite smile replacing the small tentative smile that had been making its way onto his lips minutes before. 

            Hikaru walked out of the room with a smile on his face and his hands stuffed deep into his jean pockets. He tried not to look too ecstatic at the fact that he was going to _finally_ be hanging out with Akira a whole day without anyone else with them and tried to wave it off as being happy that he had won another game. He also tried to not make it too obvious that the fact that he would be getting away from Waya's incessant teasing and 'brotherly' advice as the redhead so termed it, just made the day look even brighter. He must not have been too convincing as Waya sighed for the hundredth time and rolled his eyes upwards in desperation. He decided to ignore the look and pressed the elevator button so that they could go down.

            "I've never seen someone fall so hard so fast before…" The redhead muttered with a disgusted tone. "It's scary. Especially since it's you." 

            "SHHH!!!" Hikaru hissed at his friend frantically. "Shut up!" The only response he got from the redhead was a loud laugh that seemed to echo within the elevator. "Why me?" He moaned. "I never teased you about Isumi and…" Waya stopped laughing, giving the younger man a pointed glare. Hikaru just looked back, a smile coming back onto his face. 

            "First of all, don't start. We are totally different. And second of all… you didn't because you were oblivious and when you did figure it out it was because we _spelled_ it out for you…then you were too embarrassed to even mention it. So…" Waya trailed off as the elevator came to a stop. The doors slid open after a few seconds of waiting and allowed the two young men to step out. The half blond bleached boy nearly ran out, bumping into a growing crowd around who he could only guess was his…boyfriend. He bit off an exasperated sigh and decided that he'd go with the whole rude and oblivious act and plunder into the group of people. "Hikaru… what the hell are you doing?" Waya started, about to grab his friend away but failing to do so as Hikaru ducked his outstretched hand. 

            "Going to the rescue." He muttered, daring to look back for a mere second before actually starting to push his way through. "Ne… Touya! You baka! We're going to be late!" He nearly shouted, surprising the people that had been questioning the nineteen year old. The pale tall boy looked up and arched an eyebrow in surprise. 

            "Shindo… I am _not_ a baka. And I have been waiting for _you._ You are the one who is late." His voice never rose but everyone heard the anger behind each word. No one but Hikaru saw that it was all an act. 

            "Oh really?" 

            "Yes really." 

            "What the hell! Don't give me that…"

            "Shindo…" 

Hikaru huffed loudly in exasperation. 

            "Why the hell do I even bother with you?" He made a show of walking out, leaving Akira to either go after him or watch him leave. 

            "Shindo!" The strong voice sounded from behind him, along with a growing cloud of murmurings as the usual calm go player stalked off after his eternal rival. Waya sighed, trying to resist the urge to roll his eyes once more. People could be so dense at times. He stuck his hands in his pockets and shook his head. As if those two weren't obviously in love with each other… eh… Whatever. It wasn't his problem. He heard his name being called out and he looked up only to see Isumi smiling at him with a questioning look. 

            Outside the building, the air was still cold and brisk but it did nothing to lessen the laughter that was spilling out of Hikaru's mouth. Akira watched the other go player with a smile of his own. 

            "Oh man did you catch the look on some of their faces?" The half dyed blond nineteen year old asked, still grinning. Akira nodded, more of his amusement coming to show on his face as he allowed himself to relax.

            "Some." He was about to ask exactly what they were going to do when the smile disappeared off Hikaru's face only to be replaced by a measuring look. 

            "You didn't bring a change of clothes did you?" Hikaru asked, his tone a bit accusatory. Akira bit back a sigh and shook his head, trying to hide the sudden nervousness he felt about the rest of the day. What was wrong with the clothes he was wearing now? It was his regular shirt and slacks… 

            "If you had told me exactly what we were going to do… I would have." His excuse was waved away as Hikaru reached back and took hold of his hand.

            "My house is this way… we'll pick some clothes up for you there…" 

…

            It didn't take long to get to Hikaru's house and so it was only a couple minutes until Akira entered it, for the first time actually invited in. Hikaru's mother was in the kitchen but she came out to greet him, a smile on her face. As she looked Akira over, she started to ask Hikaru some questions which the other boy skillfully avoided in answering. This show of family affection which Akira had never yet seen connected with Hikaru was comforting to see as well as giving him a sense of not belonging. He was the intruder in the house…

He stayed silent as he watched the remaining questions being dodged. 

            "Mo-om… I'm fine… yes…yes… YES! I _did_ win. Yes… We'll be back later. No, don't worry. We just came to the house 'cause Touya forgot to bring some regular clothes. I mean… you can't exactly go to the beach with what he's wearing. K? Bye…" Hikaru reached once more for Akira's hand, the movement having become somewhat of a comforting habit. He pulled the taller youth upstairs and sighed loudly, ignoring the small protests that were coming from downstairs. 

            "The beach?" Akira could hear the tsking sounds the woman was making. "In the middle of winter?" 

            "Your mother has a point, Hikaru." Akira stated, ignoring the slightly wounded look that he was now being given as the two continued to make their way up the stairs. The switch to using their first names when they were alone was natural now and required no thought. "What are we going to be doing at the beach during the winter time? It's cold and…"

            "Don't even start, Akira." Hikaru warned, jumping up the last two steps. "I've got my mom if I want to be nagged at." With that the smaller boy started to imitate his mother. "You just barely got over that awful cold! You need more rest…blah, blah, blah…" He shook his head. "I'm fine. I really am…" And he did seem fine, the perfect picture of health as he continued to make his way towards his room. His complexion had regained its normal color in the past days and his voice was no longer roughened with coughs and pain. The night spent alone under the rain when it had been absolutely freezing had definitely affected Hikaru and though Akira had made sure the other Go player had been dried and warmed properly, the other boy still had gotten sick. "Anyway, the beach is at its best during winter. Less crowds for one thing." 

            "That's because everyone else is sane." Akira muttered under his breath. He entered Hikaru's room and glanced around, taking in the slightly messy floor that had a bunch of kifus and manga strewn about it. There was a t-shirt on a chair showing that Hikaru must have been running late when he had thrown it back there. The usually serious green eyes widened slightly as Akira saw the tv and the personal fridge that was in the corner. He had never even thought it possible for someone to have their personal fridge in their own room when they still lived in their parent's home. With their mother who did the cooking. "I can't believe you…" Akira started. He went further into the room and knelt in front of the fridge. 

            "What are you doing?" Hikaru asked, amusement plain on his face as well as some curiosity as he watched the taller young man open his fridge door.   
            "Ramen…" Akira sighed. "I should have known." He closed the fridge and stood. It hadn't taken Touya very long to know of all of Hikaru's eccentricities. He turned around to see Hikaru with a sheepish smile on his face. 

            "It's good." He said almost defensively. "Anyway… we aren't here to discuss my tastes." He handed Akira a pile of clothes that had been resting before on the side of his bed. "I figured you'd need to change into something else…" He commented quietly, a teasing smile coming onto his face. "So I already had them prepared just in case. I know my clothes would be a bit too small on you so I had to borrow some from my dad's. Hope you don't mind." Akira continued to just stare at him. With a slight blush growing on Hikaru's face, the shorter boy started to sputter. "Well, what are you waiting for? Go change into them. Or do you need help?" At that, it was Akira's turn to blush.

            "What do you mean, what am I waiting for? I'm waiting for you to leave the room so that I can change! I'm not giving you a free show… baka!"  All in all, it was a good thing that Akira had always been quiet or else his words would have carried back downstairs and startled Hikaru's poor mother. Hikaru torn between being so embarrassed that he couldn't breath and trying hard not to laugh, made his way to the door. 

            "Good God Akira… Not so loud! Hurry up ok?" 

            "Fine." Akira gritted out. Once the door closed behind the half bleached boy, Akira looked down at the clothes a bit helplessly. He couldn't believe he was actually going along with this. With a heavy sigh, he started to undress. 

            Resting against the wall, Hikaru waited with a slight smile on his face that was still a bright red. 

Today… would be a good day. 

To Come Next- Hikaru and Akira's day at the beach. 

Author's Note- Hey I'm back from college and done with exams. So that means that I'm gonna go back to writing fanfiction. I hope this first chapter of the sequel to Distance is ok and that you guys have enjoyed it!!! I will try to get the next chapter up as soon as I can but I make no promises for I will be traveling and therefore will be separated from my baby computer. Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

…hmm… as one can tell from the author's note and the date that this was actually placed on fanfiction.net, I'm extremely late at posting this chapter. Forgive me!


	2. Ch 2

Ch. 2 

            It hadn't taken Akira long to get into Hikaru's father's clothes and though they were a bit big on his frame, they were comfortable and very warm. Which was what he was thanking his lucky stars for at the moment, the blessed warmth that the clothes gave him. 

He shook his head, sending his shoulder length hair flying behind him. Hikaru was crazy to want to go to the beach in this weather. Crazy. 

            Akira had to admit though, as he buried his hands deeper into his coat pocket, that the beach was a lot prettier at this time of the year than it was in the summer time. The sand wasn't littered with trash or huge masses of people. The water was a blue gray color and the horizon line was visible for once without the presence of many boats clouding the picture. Hikaru was at his side, gently warming that one side of him, chatting of everything and nothing at all. Akira only half listened as he contented himself to relax and just be with the other boy for once. By some unspoken agreement, they kept the conversation away from Go, Sai, or China, both of them knowing that either topic would either upset one of them or irritate both of them into one of those very known verbal wars that they still shared in his father's Go Salon. 

            "Ever built a sand castle?" Hikaru suddenly asked quite randomly causing Akira to look at him. 

            "Uhm… I think so. When I was younger, why?" Hikaru shook his head at the answer, a grin on his face. 

            "'Cause Idiot… I feel like building one. Want to?" He nodded, feeling some apprehension at the task that now faced them. But he hid it all as he continued to follow Hikaru who was walking closer to where the water was so that the sand would be of the proper texture to build this sand castle. Without much warning the shorter Go player plopped down on the sand. He patted at the sand beside him once he realized that Akira hadn't already sat down. "It'll be hard building a sand castle standing, Akira." Hikaru teased him. 

            "I know that, baka. But your father's clothes…" Akira started only to have his words be brushed aside by Hikaru. 

            "Eh. No worries. They'll be washed and in his closet before he even realizes they've been missing." 

            "You mean, you didn't even ask him before hand if it was all right?" Akira asked aghast, now more sure than ever that he was not going to sit down on the wet and cold sand. 

            "Oh 'Kira. Don't worry so much. My dad never gets out of his suits anyway. He's kinda like you in that respect." Hikaru muttered, wrinkling his nose. He reached and grabbed Akira's one hand with own, tugging at it until the taller boy sat down beside him, looking at him with a funny look. "What is it now?" Hikaru blinked as he asked. 

            "'Kira?" Akira repeated faintly. 

            "Oh! Oops." The young man turned bright red and chuckled nervously as he passed a hand through his half bleached hair. "Nickname for you? Hope you don't mind." Akira smiled, surprised and shook his head before verbally answering him. 

            "I don't mind. 'Kira it is then." Hikaru's smile grew and their eyes caught for a minute. "So how do we build this sand castle of yours, Hikaru? We don't have anything but our hands…" He looked away first, his eyes training themselves on the sand. 

            "That's all we need." Hikaru said knowingly, starting to dig out a trench.

…

            Their castle built and destroyed when the water level had started to rise, Hikaru had had no better idea than to start what at first had been a water fight that had too soon turned into a tickle fight when he'd realized how ticklish _his_ 'Kira was. And that was why they were now sopping wet, covered with sand from head to toe, utterly freezing and getting weird looks from the other bus passengers. Hikaru was outright chuckling at some of the stares they were getting while Akira tried to avoid the stares all together, desperately trying to keep a straight face. He nudged the shorter young man with his elbow but that did little to stop the other. In fact, it nearly did the opposite and Akira found himself being weighed down on one side, as Hikaru was hanging on his right arm, leaning into him, laughing. 

            "Oh god." Akira shook his head, one hand coming up to touch his temple. He sighed in relief when he realized that they had finally arrived at their bus stop. "Excuse me." He politely muttered as he got off, bringing Hikaru with him. The people on the bus sighed their own sigh of relief as the two boys left. "Never again, Hikaru. You hear me… never again." Akira was sure that the blush that stained his cheeks was permanent and would never ever leave his face again. He quickly unlocked his apartment door with his cold fingers. The nineteen year old pouted, his laughter finished. 

            "Whys that? We had fun didn't we?" At the silence that answered his question, he caught the dark haired man's elbow, making him turn around and face him. "You did have fun, didn't you?" The usually serious green eyes caught hold of his and took in the worry that was in Hikaru's own grey-green ones before nodding. 

            "Yes. I did." Akira muttered. "But once in a life time is quite enough, thank you." His answer brought a smile that warmed his insides like nothing else could. It was times like that, times when Hikaru made him laugh out loud even when he didn't want to… that he never even remembered to regret the fact that he wasn't with his parents in China. He didn't think he ever would regret having stayed. "Let's get changed." He said quietly, jarring himself out of his own thoughts. He pressed hard the button for the elevator, watching quietly as Hikaru brought his hands to his mouth blowing on them to bring them warmth. "You better not get sick again, baka." He muttered with dry affection and was greeted with another one of Hikaru's smiles. 

            "We'll try to remember that." Then the boy tilted his head to one side as if considering something. "But while we wait for dry clothes and your nice warm apartment… You can help me keep warm." His eyes twinkled with mischievousness and with a comfortable air around him that had only appeared a few days ago, Hikaru wrapped Akira's arms around him without bothering to wait for the other's permission.

            "B-baka!" Akira muttered. That blush was definitely going to be permanent. Dear gods. The elevator made a little ringing sound letting them know it had arrived and the door slid open. The two made their way in breaking the contact for only a minute before Hikaru, starting to shiver a little made his way back into Akira's arms. 

            "Hmmm…" Hikaru muttered more to himself than Akira. "Maybe Waya _is_ right. Scary thought…" 

            "Waya? Right about what?" Came Akira's quiet question. He moved slightly, jabbing at the elevator button that would bring them to the second floor. 

            "Something about me falling." He shook his head, spraying Akira with droplets of sandy and salty water. "Sorry!" Hikaru muttered contritely. Akira sighed half heartedly. The cold water splashing him had made him forget the question all together. He was only too happy to arrive to his floor and he made his way to his apartment, quite awkwardly as Hikaru refused to let him unwrap his arms around the other boy.

            "Am I your coat?" He asked finally, glaring at the top of Hikaru's head. The black and blond hair was thrown into the air as Hikaru nodded. 

            "Yep." Hikaru grinned and elbowed the young man behind him. "Fancy coat you make, 'Kira." 

            "Baka…" He managed to get one arm free long enough to be able to dig out his keys. "You don't make anything easy, do you?"  
            "That would be boring." Hikaru huffed in Akira's arms. He leaned back, letting most of his weight be in the solid strength that was Akira. He half closed his eyes. Too think he almost hadn't realized. He shivered but it wasn't because of the cold this time. The door was opened in front of him and he stepped away from Akira to enter the cozy apartment. It was still a bit empty and lacking in the decoration department such as posters and things but Hikaru hadn't said anything yet and he wasn't planning on it at the moment. He felt and heard as Akira closed the door behind them and then went in search for some dry clothes. Like a flash back or a déjà vu, Akira came walking back, handing the clothes to Hikaru. This time though, there was a towel in the pile as well. 

            "Go take a warm shower, Hikaru." The taller go player, gave Hikaru a little push towards the bathroom. "You stink of sea water…" Hikaru turned to glare at the other, sticking his tongue out at him at the same time.

            "Mou. Slave driver." The blond dyed banged boy snorted. Akira just raised an eyebrow but refused to comment. He watched with that same expression on his pale but still flushed face until the bathroom door closed. Once it was closed he sighed. 

An interesting day. Just like he had known it would be. Akira ran the towel that he'd wrapped around his neck and started to dry his hair. 

And to think… it wasn't even over. 

A/N…

Oh dear. This fic was originally supposed to be short and cute. But now it seems my brain wants to make this really long (Author makes a face as she realizes that she's been writing a very _long_ future scene for this fic). I hope you've enjoyed what I've written so far. I'll try to update as soon as I can but if it takes me awhile, be patient with me. Its exam time once again and I'm working on multiple fics at once. Again… hope you enjoyed. 


	3. Ch 3

Ch. 3

            Hikaru kept his eyes focused on Akira's steady movements as the other cooked a quick meal. He was lost in his own thoughts and for once liking the sensation. Usually he hated it, preferring a conversation with another person who could give him another point of view rather than just listening to his own thoughts confuse him… He felt a slight tightening in his chest and without realizing what he was doing, his hand brushed aside the hair that had been tickling his cheek. A smile tugged at his lip. 

            He was happy here. He was… home. Strange as it may sound. After all as Waya never forgot to point out to him, they'd only gotten together a couple weeks ago. And even then… that had been strange. To go from being complete rivals without an inkling of… romance? He guessed the word was the right one to use in his mind. And then… to have it thrown in your face that you'd always been attracted to your rival… it did a lot. It changed a lot of things. Hikaru twitched in his seat, changing his position from slouching to sitting straighter with his chin resting on his hand. Hikaru didn't really know what Akira thought, felt. Oh he knew that the other nineteen year old liked him. But… to what extent? His mind brushed the thought aside as something else came to his mind.

            He knew that others would probably be weirded out at the thought of he, Shindo Hikaru being with Touya Akira. So different…so very different. Sometimes he thought he'd offend the other go player with his brasher and open ways but… The thought lead to another. To the sight of Akira laughing without any control on the sand, dark hair spread out and trying so desperately to get free. Akira was not what other people thought he was. Not quite. Of course he was serious, of course he was passionate about Go… and yes he was quiet. But… Hikaru shook his head, humming a soft tune, without knowing it. He didn't know where his musings were taking him. As passionate about Go as Akira was, he'd kept his promise to not mention it today. He sighed happily. That must say something. It did. A lot, actually. The sound of his humming made Akira turn to him, a look of surprise making its way on his face. 

            "You're quiet." Akira stated gently. His eyes asked the question he never put into words.

            "Hmmm…" Hikaru shrugged before giving Akira a grin. "Just thinking." Akira gave a nod to show understanding before going back to cook. Hikaru had offered to help but it had been waved aside with Akira saying that most of it was done anyway. Ah the joy of partially made instant foods. It was true though. Already the smell of what would be their dinner was wafting through the air. It smelled good. The smile on his lips got just a little bit bigger. He could only imagine what would have happened if he'd tried to help. Ah well… The smile faded suddenly. 

After dinner… he'd have to go home. He sighed. He didn't want to leave the warmth. He stood up suddenly, the impulsivity that everyone always said he had coming to the surface once more as he pushed the chair aside and went to stand next to Akira. The taller go player acknowledged his presence with a smile. 

            "It's almost ready, I pro—" Hikaru cut off Akira's words quite effectively as he stood straighter, his arms coming to wrap around Akira's neck to bring the other boy's face closer to his. 

Gently their lips brushed together, once… twice before Hikaru took a step back, face flushed and his breathing a bit more erratic than before. Akira's eyes had closed after the first kiss and now they opened slowly as if he was awakening from a dream. "Hikaru?" His name was whispered out. The blond bangs fell forward to cover the reddened cheeks and Hikaru took a step forward until he was back to where he'd been originally standing. He let his arms wrap around the other man's waist, one hand sliding higher up on Akira's back. He reveled in the warmth and the small shiver that he felt run down the other's spine from the simple touch. He let his face bury its way in the other's shirt and breathed deeply. This is where he wanted to be. Always. He didn't care if things were going too fast, he didn't care if things weren't quiet making sense, he didn't care if things were still too new that they still needed to find out more about each other…he didn't care at all. This felt _right_. This felt _safe_. He listened to Akira's heart beat, the steady rhythm…  How could he leave this? He didn't want to. Akira's arms slowly made their way around Hikaru's body, a bit awkwardly but Hikaru didn't mind. He just gently tightened his own hold. One of Akira's hands came up and brushed the dratted blond bangs from Hikaru's face so he could see the expression that lay there, hoping to find an explanation in it so that words wouldn't be needed to break the moment. Hikaru allowed his hair to be brushed aside, even tilted his head up, his eyes serious and even shy as he looked up to meet Akira's questioning glance.

            "I don't wanna go home, Akira…" Hikaru said simply, a different kind of blush spreading over his cheeks. He hoped the other wouldn't take it badly. He didn't really want to do _anything_ yet… not like that. He just… wanted to be here. "Can I stay here?" With 'Kira. The green eyes widened fractionally and silence made its way into the room. Not quite. Hikaru could hear the way Akira's heart had sped up and he bit his lip. About to remove himself from the other's arm and take back his request, Hikaru wasn't quite prepared for Akira's response. 

            "All right." The other boy started. "Just… I'll get the couch ready for you after dinner." Hikaru blinked and… he didn't quite know if there were any words to describe what he was feeling at that exact moments other than startled shock and… a bit of hurt. Akira touched his cheek with the tip of his fingers, gently tracing the contour. "I'm teasing Hikaru…" His soft chuckling made warm air filter past Hikaru's face and he could only blink again before everything sunk in. 

            "J-jerk!" He hissed, starting to laugh himself. "Oh why do you have to start getting a sense of humor now?!" Hikaru exclaimed trying to frown. "And why about something like _that_?" Akira just smiled. 

            "Just to prove you wrong, Shindo…" Ah… that was his rival speaking. Hikaru tried to arch his eyebrow like Akira often did to him when he'd done or said something particularly stupid. It didn't quite work. He knew what the other was saying. Trying to tell him that the lame excuse Hikaru had used on him to drag him out today on there own was very untrue… that Akira wasn't too tense and serious. He rolled his eyes and let his hands fly up to Akira's shoulders to tug at them until they were completely face to face.

            "That… is still questionable." He muttered before kissing the loveable idiot. Screw everything else and what others might think. 

He wouldn't change a single thing for the world.

A/N-… Beachan18 asked for cuteness and kisses, I hope this will due. Thank you to all who've reviewed!!! You guys are way too sweet. Looks at the writing and smiles.

Hope you enjoyed it!


	4. Chapter 4

Ch. 4

A year had passed.

A whole year. Hikaru smiled as he removed the outdated calendar from his wall, careful to catch the thumbtack that had held it in its previous position as it fell. They had celebrated Akira's twentieth birthday not too long ago. They being Waya, Isumi, Nase, Akari and even Ochi had been present. The smile widened at the memory. It had turned out great. Better than he had expected and better than what Akira had expected as well. Akira still felt vibes coming from Waya that were not… friendly exactly. Hikaru refrained to roll his eyes. Waya never said anything out loud but his dislike for the other was still ongoing to Isumi's chagrin and Hikaru's annoyance. Still Waya kept quiet about it saying that the amusement he got out of watching Hikaru and Akira interact and try to fool everyone that they _weren_'_t_ together was worth putting up with 'prick Akira'.

A knock on his bedroom door startled him, allowing the memory of that night to escape his mind's grasp.

"Yeah?" He asked, knowing fully well it was his mother and wondering why she was even bothering to knock. She usually just said what needed to be said through the closed door, sometimes opening it and popping her head in and frustrating the hell out of him in the way only a mother knew how to do.

"Your guests are here." She stated calmly. Hikaru placed down the calendar on his desk where it would no doubt be lost among all the other papers and books he had accumulating there. He opened the door quickly to find Akira, Waya, and Isumi standing behind his mother.

"Why didn't you say so earlier?" He huffed impatiently, standing aside so that his 'guests' could make their way in. Waya rolled his eyes at the immature display between mother and son while Akira stiffened slightly, eyes widening at the rude tone his boyfriend was using on his own mother. Isumi continued smiling serenely. Having been around Waya for as long as he had…this display was nothing. Hikaru's mother simply smiled at her son clearly used to the treatment and reading the affection behind his frustrated scowl.

"I'll bring you some snacks and drinks." She said, ignoring his question completely. "Don't eat too much as dinner will be in an hour or two." He nodded and then closed the door after watching her walk down the stairs.

"Does she need help?" He'd barely closed the door before that question was thrown in his face by Akira. Hikaru tried to refrain rolling his eyes.

"No. She likes doing this. I swear." Hikaru muttered. No way was he going to let Akira go and help his mother who really didn't _need _ the help when he hadn't even seen the man for…for a couple of days at least! Akira had left to spend Christmas with his parents in China and had just barely returned. He glared at the taller go player who looked surprised. "You… are … impossible." He gritted out before looping his arms around Akira's neck. He ignored Waya's groan and even ignored the widening of Akira's eyes in surprise and silent protest. He kissed him. It was a short kiss, barely enough time to savor the warmth that it sent rippling through him but it would do for now. He backed away, grin restored on his face. "I can't believe that's the greeting you give me after returning from China and not seeing me for a couple days! Asking me if my mother needs help. Hah. Some boyfriend you are." He pouted in a teasing way, keeping his voice low so that no one (his parents) downstairs would over hear. Waya's groan doubled. The redhead really didn't want to see the two flirting of all things. Especially before a dinner that was sure to be yummy. And Akira, who was blushing, scowled gently before shaking his head. He knew fully well that Hikaru was teasing and he had grown used to it, slightly, over the time they'd spent together. But still, Akira had to admit that it always took him off guard. Especially when others were there.

"One of us has to have manners." He finally muttered. Isumi and Waya snorted in barely checked amusement at that very well pointed barb. Before Hikaru could add to the comment though there was a knock on his door. He went and opened it, revealing not only his mother's figure but his father's as well. Both were carrying a tray. One was filled with bowls filled with different snacks just like his mother had promised. Some were chips, others were for those with more refined tastes such as crackers with stuff that Hikaru couldn't recognize straight away. The other tray that his father was keeping very balanced was filled with champagne glasses.

"Wow. Thanks mom and dad." Hikaru muttered, surprised despite himself. His mother's smile grew. He took the platter from her hand and wasn't too startled to find that Akira had taken the second platter from his father. His polite thanks to Hikaru's parents weren't the only ones that filled the air as Waya and Isumi added their own.

"Such polite boys." Hikaru's mother stated gently looking at each of their faces.

"Young men." His father corrected, his eyes only on Hikaru's form that had stilled once again, unused to receiving any attention from his father. The pride that he could see in those old eyes made a warm flush of happiness fill him. He'd never truly been sure that his father had been happy with his decision of becoming a go pro player. Never really known if he was a son that his father could be proud of. It seemed that he had finally gotten his answer. "Well." His father laced his free arm around his wife. "We'll leave you to it. Enjoy yourselves." With a slight nod, the older man closed the door before heading back downstairs with his wife. The two would be enjoying their own New Year's celebration while the younger generation had their's. Yesterday evening had been for the family only. Today, the man smiled at his wife, his hand tightening his gentle hold slight, would be for them.

Looking at the closed door, Hikaru blinked.

"Your parents are awesome." Waya muttered, letting himself fall on a bean bag. Hikaru nodded almost absently looking around to see if there was enough space on the floor (yes he had cleaned his room…somewhat) to put both trays down. The redhead snagged the bottle from the tray, giving a slightly apologetic smile to Akira as he was left to rebalance the tray without spilling the already filled glasses. Waya's eyes widened considerably as he turned his attention to the bottle's label. "This is the good stuff too." He whistled and let Isumi take it from him.

"Is there really nothing we can do to help?" Akira asked, carefully placing the tray down beside the tray of food after Hikaru had pointed him to do it. Hikaru shook his head.

"Nah. She likes cooking and she'd just…" He waved his hand in the way he usually did when he couldn't quite put into words somebody's actions that were just so imprinted in his life that he never really thought of them. Akira was left to trusting him on this one. And he did. "So who's hungry?" The three kneeled around the trays and Waya joined them, moving the beanbag closer. He was eyeing the champagne in a way that made Hikaru laugh. "Let me rephrase…who's thirsty?" He passed the glasses around. "Happy New Year's guys." His free hand reached for Akira's free one. Their fingers tangled at the same times as their eyes met.

"Happy New Years."

It would be a great one.

Hikaru was sure of it.

Waya and Isumi had already left after profusely thanking Hikaru's parents for _everything._ Absolutely everything. Now he was left alone with Akira but he already knew that it would only be for a few minutes.

"I should probably go as well Hikaru." Hikaru nodded but closed the door to his room firmly behind him anyway. "Hikaru…" Akira started. Hikaru gave him a look that was very close to pleading as he pushed the other man a few steps back, away from the door.

"Just for a few more minutes." After a soft sigh of consent, Hikaru allowed himself a small smile and made his way into those warm arms he now knew so well. "How was China?" The question meant 'I missed you' as the half bleached boy could really care less how the trip had gone to tell the truth now that Akira was back, safe and sound. But he still…stupid really…but he still felt awkward saying things like that to his rival. It always reminded him of how they had gotten together in the first place. Akira tightened his hold slightly. It was his way of showing he'd understood the meaning.

"Well."

"How are your parents?" Hikaru couldn't help asking.

"Good." Hikaru snorted and looked up into those green eyes.

"Are you gonna answer all my questions with one word answers?" He demanded finally. Akira stayed silent for a bit, a smile threatening to quirk the corners of his lips upward. That more than anything else answered Hikaru's question. It was a big fat YES. "Don't even bother answering that." Hikaru muttered. The chest underneath his cheek shook a bit as Akira laughed softly. "What are you gonna be up to this week?" They'd received their playing schedule a couple days ago but Akira had been away so they hadn't really had a chance to exchange the information.

"I don't know yet." Akira muttered, one of his hands had come up and was softly brushing the back of Hikaru's neck, fingers coming to play with strands of black hair or massaging away tension in the muscles there.

"Don't know?" Hikaru asked, not wanting to move at the moment. He closed his eyes.

"I got home this afternoon, Hikaru." Akira continued his ministrations as he spoke. "I unpacked, took a shower, and then came here." Leaving no time to read the mail, Hikaru concluded on his own. "Hmm… Hikaru?" The fingers paused, waiting for a reaction of some kind.

"Yes?" Hikaru rolled his shoulders and lifted his head in a way that made it so the stilled fingers were bumped into in a silent protest.

"Could we sit down?"

"Huh?" That made the other one look up.

"I'm tired." Akira muttered. "I have been the one traveling you know." The arms loosened their hold completely as the taller man took a step away. Hikaru was about to apologize and to say that they could sit down… wherever there was room when a finger poked him in the ribs. He glared at the green eyes and sighed.

"Why didn't you say so earlier?" He asked, going and dragging the bean bag closer to where Akira was now standing. Akira looked at the object with some distaste but shrugged and then sat down. Hikaru sat on his lap since he was the lighter of the two. "You gonna be ok getting home?" Hikaru wondered out loud after a few minutes of feeling warm and completely relaxed.

"Hmm?" Akira blinked, his eyes had come to a close without him noticing. He didn't really want to leave the other either. But he probably should if he was this tired. "Yeah, I mean yes. I will be fine." He covered a yawn. "Will probably call for a taxi." He amended catching Hikaru's grin. "What time is it?" Hikaru twisted within his loose grasp.

"Nearing one."

"Already?" Akira tensed. "I should have left already…"

"Relax."

"I'm too relaxed." Akira complained lightly. "I really should go now." He felt rather than heard Hikaru's sigh. "I'll send you my schedule tomorrow through e-mail." Voice slightly teasing, knowing that Hikaru's skill with the computer was only so high. He received a dark glare and then felt cold as Hikaru stood up in one fluid motion.

"You better." He offered his hand to help the other one up. "Come on. Let's go call you a taxi."

A/N- Hey. I'm back. Srry for the long time between updates. I had MAJOR writer's block for this fic. Sad really. 'Cause I have the future scenes all written that actually contain some PLOT but I just couldn't write the little scenes (filled with fluff and development of the interactions between the characters) that lead up to that point. Anywho… hope you guys haven't given up on me. I'd be very grateful for reviews of any kind … well let me rephrase… I will be grateful for reviews from open minded people. Those who flame b/c they are closed minded will be ignored.


	5. Chapter 5

Ch. 5

Hikaru entered his house, removing his shoes as the door behind him closed with a final click. He was tired but very…content. He didn't have games today instead he had tutored two students in the morning and then had lunch with Akira when both of them had earned a 'break' from their work. They'd even managed to spend some free time with each other before Akira had gone back to tutoring some of his own students. And of course study for his upcoming game. Hikaru smiled. So typical of his boyfriend. The man was a certified workaholic.

"Hikaru? Is that you?" His mother called out from the kitchen.

"Yeah mom!' He answered, a smile curving his lips. "It smells good here. What are you making?" He walked into the kitchen in time to see his mom wiping her hands on her apron. With a warm smile on her own face, she turned to greet her son properly. She even managed to kiss him on the cheek before he could even think of escaping her.

"You're home early." She fussed over the wrinkles in his clothes. "Did you go to work looking like this?"

"Mo-om!" He grabbed her two hands with care and gave her _that_ look that most sons have down pat that clearly states: I'm not two anymore! With a soft sigh she was forced to come to that same conclusion. Her son was grown. "I did go to work like this and yes I am home early. My students did well. I don't have a game today and Touya was busy."

"Touya?"

"Yes. Touya. My rival." He muttered, glancing around the kitchen to see if there was anything he could snack on. His mother watched him carefully, a certain unease worming into her heart. These days, it was always Touya this, Touya that. She wondered sometimes… But no. It was just his work and she didn't understand it. That's all. She forced a smile onto her face and did what she always did. She opened the fridge and started to name some suitable snacks for her grown son. He leaned on the counter, idle hand tapping at the hard surface distracted. "Ooh that!" He exclaimed finally at one of her suggestions.

"Did you eat lunch today?" She asked. Though it shouldn't have been, it was always a slight surprise to her how much her son could eat and still be so thin. She just couldn't understand it. Where did it all go? He nodded as he stuffed the cake she'd made yesterday into his mouth. As he finally swallowed the last piece, he managed to give a more comprehensive response to her question.

"Went to lunch after tutoring my students."

"That's good dear. Are you sure you ate enough there?" Instinctively, her hand came up and brushed his hair behind his ears. It was getting rather long, she noted critically. "Your hair needs a trim." She added not giving Hikaru enough time to answer her first question. "Would you like me to make you an appointment at the haircutters?"

"Mom," He giving his head a slight jerk away from her probing fingers. "It's…" He started his rebuttal only to find that his bangs were in his eyes, tickling his nose. He sighed in defeat. "Sure. That would be great Mom. Thank you." He pushed them back and gave the last piece of cake on his plate a hard jab with his fork. "And yes, I ate enough during lunch. But its four now… and I was just hungry for a snack before dinner." She smiled at him. "I don't starve myself. If you want to worry about someone, worry about Touya! I have to force him some days to eat lunch! And he doesn't like ramen, Mom." The last sounded horrified bordering on hysterical. Touya again. She shook her head at him in amusement but decided not to comment on her son's ramen obsession. She'd always thought he'd just grow out of it. That it was just a phase. A little worried frown made its way onto her face. Just like she had thought go was a phase and that Touya boy.

But he'd never outgrown them. And she didn't think she ever would.

If only she could understand the world that her son was now a part of. But half the things Hikaru spouted off at her would go over her head. And she'd tried to go see one of his games. A wonderful young woman had tried to explain it to her and still—she just couldn't understand any of it.

It was a lonely realization.

"Hey mom?"

"Yes?"

"Take a break with me. We can watch the news or something." The offer brought a smile to her face. She shook her head to get rid of all those nonsense thoughts. She would always remain his mother after all.

"That sounds wonderful." Hikaru responded with a huge smile of his own and placed his dirty plate in the sink before following her to the living room. He lay his head down on her lap the minute she was settled, startling her for a moment. He hadn't done this since the last time he'd been seriously sick. She made a show of pushing his bangs out of the way to check if he wasn't developing a fever.

It became a bit obvious as to what she was doing and her hand was batted away with an amused snort. "I'm not sick mom. Just tired." The television was turned on. The news anchor was shuffling nervously with papers on the flickering screen and both Hikaru and his mom tensed. It was never a good sign when the reporter was visibly nervous.

What had happened in the world?

"And next up, a controversial issue being debated worldwide has been resolved in Belgium. Gay marriage to be legalized in the following month. Many against this change—" Hikaru blinked. This was good news. He wondered if Touya or even if Waya and Isumi was watching this as well. He blushed.

His mother continued to tense behind him.

"What's wrong?" He started to ask and stopped. He'd never seen his mother look like that before.

"I…" She opened her mouth and closed it only to open it again, a forced smile on her face. "It's just shocking." She waved her hand towards the television.

"What is?" He was confused.

"Hikaru haven't you been paying attention?"

"Yes. I have. Belgium's legalizing Gay marriage." He paused. "Where's Belgium by the way?" The country's name sounded vaguely familiar. They'd probably reviewed it briefly in class at one point in time.

"It's in Europe, near France and Germany." She answered slowly. "And I'm not sure legalizing Gay marriage is…appropriate."

"Eh? Why?"

"Hikaru." His mother sighed, clearly uncomfortable and now Hikaru was nervous. He didn't like where this was going. He didn't like it at all. "It's just not right. Marriage is between a man and a woman. And…they're sick. Allowing them to do this… its not…" She pressed her lips into a firm line. "I think that's enough of that conversation."

"ok." He whispered, getting off of the couch in one fluid motion. He was feeling slightly sick to his stomach. It was suddenly very clear to him that his mother did not approve in any way of same sex relationships. He'd never worried about that before. It had never even occurred to him. He started up the stairs and barely heard her call for him in a slightly worried voice. Hadn't he said they were going to hang out a bit? He shook his head. "Forgot something I had to do." He shouted over his shoulder. He ran all the way into his room and closed the door behind him. Numbly he sat on the edge of his bed and watched his hand without truly seeing them.

How would she react if she knew about him and Touya?

Would she accept them?

Would she still love them?

Why hadn't any of this preoccupied him before? Why hadn't even occurred to him before? He had known, vaguely, like a little unimportant fact… that many people were hostile to this kind of relationship. That was why he and Touya kept it a secret. It was why Waya and Isumi kept their relationship a secret. Everyone just thought of them as good friends and nothing more. But he'd…

He'd never thought he'd have to keep it a secret from his parents his entire life.

His heart pounded painfully into his chest.

He didn't know if he could.

Blood was rushing in his ears.

He didn't know…if he could live, making a decision like that.

His hands were tingling.

Was it selfish of him to want both? Family and Touya? He couldn't picture his life without either of them?

A spike of fear was making his stomach clench painfully.

Maybe he was overreacting. But. Her look of disgust…that…Maybe if it was him, it would be different. It had to be different. He was her son, her baby. She would accept him, right? Right?

His hands trembled now, the tingling sensation easing up his arms.

He'd heard of stories. Of kids being kicked out of their own homes, suddenly disowned…no one to turn to. Would that be him?

No. His hands clenched. He forced his breathing to calm down.

He couldn't bear to lose anyone. It would break him. Losing Sai had taught him that…

There had to be another solution. There just had to be…

To be continued…

A/n- yes I know. Gay marriage was legalized in Belgium in 2002. So …just imagine that this piece of fiction takes place somewhere around that time. Now, as you can tell from my other pieces of writing I am pro gay marriage being legalized. That is my opinion and I do not want to impose it on anyone. Also the comment made by Shindo's mother that homosexuality as a sickness—I'm not pulling that out of the air. It's what was commonly thought (and enrages me when I hear it currently being said and thought of as true) a couple generations ago. The horrifying truth is that if you check the past DSM manuals, you'll find it in there. I am also not trying to impose any other opinions (negative, positive or neutral ones) in my writing, I just describe them because they are out there in the world… and it's what shapes our reality, for the good and the bad. I'm sorry if it makes anyone uncomfortable.


	6. Chapter 6

Ch. 6

"Touya?" Hikaru called out, question in his voice as he made his way towards Akira. They were still in the Go institution which explained the usage of their formal names but it did not explain the darkness in the usually cheerful young man. Akira paused in his footsteps, the small smile that touched his lips dying just a bit.

"Shindo?" He answered with his own questioning voice. "What's wrong?" Hikaru shook his head before looking at Akira with a look that he'd never seen on Hikaru's face before.

"Can we talk outside please?" He blinked, surprised and nodded dumbly before following the other twenty year old out of the building. When they were far away enough, away from prying eyes or ears, Hikaru stopped in his steps but didn't quite turn around to meet Akira's eyes.

Suddenly, Akira had an inkling of what was to come. He felt the tightening of his chest and throat even before Hikaru started to speak. His heart started to beat in a rhythm that wasn't quite normal. Not too fast… not too slow… It was just strange. It was like it wasn't his anymore. Perhaps it was because he was holding his breath. Perhaps it was because it was already breaking.

"Ah," Hikaru started, a hand coming to scratch at the back of his head like it always did when the boy was uncomfortable with something or embarrassed. "I dunno how to say this." He finally turned to face Akira, a weird smile on his face. His gray green eyes though looked everywhere but at him. "I can't do this anymore." The breath that had been stuck in Akira's mouth was gently exhaled, hurting the tightened throat.

"I see." He said weakly. He had wanted to ask what? What couldn't Hikaru do anymore? But he already knew the answer. It was obvious now why this whole week Hikaru had been acting strange. Quiet instead of talkative, smiles becoming a rare thing, being late to meetings they'd planned ahead of time being excused with the strangest of responses and…and…moving away from his touches… and… Akira closed his eyes. He wanted to ask why but the word wouldn't move from his throat past his lips.

Strange. He'd known this would come one day. But not like this. Not when everything still felt all right. Or had felt all right. God… hadn't they celebrated New Years together only a couple weeks ago? What had he done? What had changed? He felt numb. He opened his eyes to see Hikaru's larger gray-green ones suddenly looking straight at him, regarding him with worry.

"I'm sorry…it's just…" The twenty year old try to start explaining himself. Akira shook his head.

"Does it really matter?" He asked quietly, startling Hikaru so much that his explanation died. "Will… it won't get in the way of…?" He waved his hand around them and Hikaru shook his head vehemently.

"Of course not." Hikaru claimed. "You'll always be my rival and my friend 'Kira." Akira nodded slowly. And then straightened himself not even realizing that his shoulders had started to slump forward.

"That's all I need to know then." He didn't really know what to do then so he nodded again, biting the inside of his cheek. "I should go." He said finally. Both of them staring at each other like wounded little kids weren't going to get them very far. "…" He tried to say something else but he couldn't and he closed his mouth, biting the inside of his cheeks harder. He shook his head this time and then walked away, leaving Hikaru very far behind him. It was the first time in months he'd ever done so.

Never even realizing that the other one was crying as well.

To be continued…

A/n- sorry for the short chapter. I'll make it up by posting chapter 7 along with it (and its much longer too!) Ah… chapter 6 and 7 were actually written years ago. I actually wrote them my sophomore year in undergraduate. I can't believe it's taken me this long to get to the point where I can finally post these two chapters. However, I apologize in advance if there's a difference in writing style between the previous chapters and these ones. It's been awhile to say the least. I tried to make sure the two fit and flowed with the rest of the story. In any case, hope you enjoyed.


	7. Chapter 7

Ch. 7

Disclaimer: Lyrics are from Stabbing Westward "Desperate Now."

_I keep breaking all the promises_

It felt like years had passed since yesterday; the hours had been so painful at times he had felt like he couldn't breathe. And it all had been his fault.

_His_ fault.

_His_ choice.

_His_ words.

_His_ decision

… his fault.

He tried to keep his hands that were resting on his knees to stop shaking. He tried to keep his eyes focused on the game. But he couldn't.

Again, he felt himself turning to look at Akira. And with each look, he felt something inside of him die a bit more. A go stone was placed on the wooden Goban with a crash. Hikaru snapped his eyes back on the game and was startled when Ochi got up, his eyes glaring at him behind his wire framed glasses.

"If you're not going to take this seriously Shindo," The boy declared with anger in his voice. "Then I suggest you stop playing now. Because at this rate, it's a waste of both of our time." Everyone turned their heads to look at them and Hikaru shivered, knowing a pair of startling green eyes would be watching him closely as well.

'I promised myself I wouldn't think of him anymore. I promised myself I'd stop loving him…' He closed his eyes. They were prickling. He took a deep breath in. It nearly strangled him. If only he could swallow the lump that was growing inside his throat. He tried. It didn't work. Nothing worked. He was only breaking all the promises… everybody's… not just his own. He opened his eyes and glared at Ochi.

"Let's play." He hissed. People were still staring at them. He didn't care. He turned slightly, looking to where Akira was playing. The twenty year old was still looking at his own Go board. His face was pale. "Let's play." He whispered again, his hand digging into his own stones. He looked at the game. This was all that was left to him to bind him to Sai and now, to bind him to Akira. He wasn't gonna let it go. Not this…

_That I keep making to myself_

Akira finished his game in any way he could, his moves ten times more aggressive than they should have been. His opponent hung her head after a few minutes, looking aghast at the pattern that had made its way onto the go board. He looked at it, green eyes dispassionate. It was an ugly pattern. It was not a real game. If only he could break away from the numbness that had settled around him since yesterday, he knew he'd feel a burning shame deep within him for playing in such a manner. It was not a game… it had been slaughter. From her first move and from his… it had already been over.

"I have lost." She whispered. He bowed his head, fists clenching on the soft material of his pants that was resting on his legs.

"I'm sorry." He whispered as well, startling the girl. "Would you like to go over the game?" He asked, looking up. The girl looked as if about to say no and god how he wished she would say no. He suddenly wanted to be very far away from this place, away from the game that had brought Hikaru to him in the first place. This was unlike him and he hated it. He hated it. He hated himself.

He was running away.

Had been running away since yesterday…because…

It had had to be his fault. He must have done something, _anything_, to ruin it.

To ruin everything.

"Yes. Please." She said quietly. "I'd like to improve." He sensed she wanted to say something else but she didn't, instead her eyes focused on the stones. He looked up and tried to focus on the ugly pattern that he'd helped create. He took a deep breath in, unclenched his hands and sat up straighter.

"Let's start at this corner than…"

_You'd think by now I'd be over this_

Another day had passed. And it was strange because even if Akira had been the one to ask him if ending their relationship would change anything— it was Akira who was changing it. Hikaru bit his lip, watching Akira's back move towards the exit of the building. Once more, the other twenty year old didn't bother looking back, looking to see if maybe Hikaru had been done with his game, if it had gone well or badly. His horrid loss from yesterday still burned fresh in his mind, so did Ochi's disgusted look at him and his words… oh god. Sometimes he thought the words would just plague him till he died.

"You're a child Shindo, if you think you can let your emotions get in the way of a game." The other had stated coolly, pushing his glasses up his nose. "And you're a fool if you think playing like this will get you anywhere near his level." They both had known who Ochi was talking about. Of course he'd known.

He wanted to scream. He wanted someone to be able to tell him he'd made the right decision before he went mad. All he'd wanted to do was make it right. Make his whole world right again. It just felt worse than it had before. Hikaru nearly jumped as he felt a warm arm make its way around his shoulder. He looked up to see Waya's amber eyes looking at him worriedly.

"What the hell is going on, Shindo?" He asked carefully. "You've been standing here for ten minutes without moving." Hikaru bit his lip, looking down at his hand that was still holding onto his sneakers. He'd been getting them out of the locker when Akira had just walked past him, not even bothering to glance at him. Not even acknowledging him. He'd tried to call after him but his mouth had just opened and he'd frozen. Akira was…gone. Was out of reach again. The pain in his chest doubled and he was only slightly aware that he was falling. His knees hit the cold floor hard.

"I'm such an idiot!" The words were flung in the air, ignoring Waya's gasp. His arm went to cover his eyes. "Such an idiot!" His other hand threw the shoes before coming down as a fist to hit the floor.

_Instead I'm feeling sorry for myself_

Akira was sitting in the Go salon, ignoring all the questioning looks he was getting from everyone. He wasn't even pretending to be playing at the moment. He was just sitting, hand holding his head that was suddenly weighing too heavy for him to hold on its own. He was tired. He was still numb. He wanted the numbness to go away and yet he didn't. He didn't want to know how much it would hurt when the numbness went away. He was afraid to feel it.

It was bad enough he'd woken up crying, knowing why but refusing to admit it. Maybe he should've let Hik--Shindo tell him the reason why. Maybe it would help. He didn't know anymore. He didn't know anything.

"Akira-chan." The soft voice made him look up. "Could I play against you?" Ichikawa-san asked him; worry sounding out in her voice and showing clearly in her eyes. He was being ridiculous. He shouldn't make anyone worry for him. He didn't quite deserve the emotion. A smile made its way to his face and he ignored the older player that scolded the young woman for interrupting the young master's thinking.

"Of course you can." He said gently.

_So why does everything feel desperate now_

Waya looked at Hikaru worriedly as he led the other Go player into his apartment. With a quick motion, he let himself and the other in and they sat down on the couch in silence. Hikaru was sprawled out on the couch, his head leaning on the back of the couch.

"I'm an idiot you know…" The boy hissed. "I thought I wouldn't lose him. I didn't wanna lose anyone anymore." The words meant little to Waya. Oh he knew that it concerned Touya for some reason and when he got his hand on the other boy, he would be sure to give the ass a piece of his mind but as for the 'losing him, losing anyone anymore'… Waya was lost.

"What happened, Shindo?" He asked gently. Hikaru shook his head, his eyes full of tears. He was biting his lip and blinking rapidly as if to prevent the tears from falling. It was in vain as a couple fell, tracing the contours of his cheeks. It hurt him to see his friend this way. And it just made him angrier at Touya even if he didn't know what exactly had taken place. "Shindo…" He reached out to place a comforting hand on the boy's shoulder. But the boy moved away.

"It's my fault." The voice was thick and suddenly, Hikaru was curling up on himself. His one knee was brought up, his head resting on top of it, hiding his face. "When I found out…" Waya came closer, trying really hard to decipher the words that were being said through the hard breathing and what probably were choked off sobs. "…what my parents would think…" The whole boy's body was heaving, trembling. "They'd have hated me… god they would have hated me." Waya's insides froze. "I couldn't have taken it, Waya. I couldn't have…I don't want them hating me." He reached out this time, grabbing both shoulder and making Hikaru look up at him before quickly grasping the younger boy into a protective hug. "They think it's unnatural." The wails that were coming out of the usually cheerful boy was hurting him and Waya could only hold onto him tighter, wishing he'd never pushed Hikaru into realizing he'd fallen for someone of his own sex. He hated humans sometimes. Their nature, their hatred for anything and everything they didn't understand. "Not right." The words were garbled. "A sin." Hikaru's hands were suddenly clawing at his own shirt, desperately trying to find a hold, something that would help him regain his lost balance. "A monster." Waya closed his eyes. "Is it wrong? Why is it wrong?" Waya shook his head. He didn't know… "What's so wrong about loving someone else…?" The tears were burning him as they fell onto his neck, soaking the edges of his t-shirt. "I didn't want to lose them…" And so he had chosen. Waya bit his lip. Things were so clear now.

"Shh…" He whispered not loosening his hold even a bit. "Shhh…" He whispered into the dark black and blond strands of hair. "You don't have to say any more…" He started to rock the boy in his arms, lost at what else to do. He didn't know how to fix this. He didn't know.

"…" The sob was scary in its silence. He felt it being ripped out of Hikaru's slight frame and he shuddered along with it. Hikaru had ended his relationship with Touya. To continue being loved by parents who would never understand. And life was so unfair sometimes. Too unfair. It was the people who didn't understand, who didn't accept who were the monsters. Not those who loved. It wasn't fair. And Waya didn't realize he'd been speaking out loud. He didn't realize any of it, so lost in his friend's pain and in his own not too distant memories of his own parent's disgust. He didn't even remember to ask him if Shindo had made sure to make Touya understand the reason behind the sudden break up.

He didn't even remember…

_I should be feeling so alive_

Akira walked into the Go salon, planning on being part of this world again instead of just muddling through it like he had been. The numbness was still there but he wanted to face it. He needed to face it. He had to. His eyes searched the hallway for the familiar face, but it wasn't there. Just like the emptiness in his chest. Hikaru wasn't there. No. Not Hikaru. Shindo. Shindo wasn't there. He slipped off his shoes, placing them in a random locker before moving into the game room. Would he be here?

Yes.

The sight of the other man, made him freeze in his steps. He hadn't allowed himself to look at him. Hadn't known how he would react. Hikaru…Shindo was talking to Waya quietly in a corner, the redhead had a friendly arm around the boy's shoulder. They were talking, laughing even… they were alive. All at once, the numbness was no longer there. It hurt.

It really hurt.

'I feel like a child.' Akira thought dumbly. Isumi looked up from the conversation the three were having. Funny how Akira hadn't noticed him there at first, he was too focused on Shindo. He'd always been too focused on him. Isumi's blue eyes looked straight at him, understanding and a slight pain filtering through those eyes. He didn't want the boy's pity. He only wanted to find his place back in this world. He wanted someone to be able to place it back where it belonged.

But he didn't know who could do that. If anyone could except for himself. He felt foolish… all this time, he'd been hurting quietly, being numb while Hikaru… Shindo! Damn it all… was smiling. As always. He saw Isumi about to reach over and shake Shindo's shoulder, to tell him Akira was there. Akira was waiting. As always. Akira was foolishly waiting. Always fucking waiting. He shook his head.

"Don't bother." He said quietly, so quiet he knew he would be the only one to have heard the words. He forced a smile and turned away only to have that girl that he'd played against a couple days ago be at his side. A shy smile was on her face.

"Ah… Touya-san," She ducked her head to cover embarrassment. "I was wondering if you could help me with my game." A lower dan. A horrible game they'd played together. But he was better. Everything would be better. They'd play a better game. He'd help her be pulled along deeper into the Go world. It was his job.

"Of course."

"Touya." Another voice called to him. He didn't need to turn around to know who it was.

"Hello Shindo." He greeted politely. "How are you?"

_But it feels like something's missing_

"Awful." Hikaru managed to say with a slight grin on his face. "What are you doing after today's game?" He asked, surprised that he was able to stay so calm. That whole crying incident a couple days must have helped, he thought in the back of his head as he took in the other man's appearance. Thank god for Isumi. Or he would have missed him again. Had Akira always been so pale?

"I'm sorry." Akira's green eyes flickered over his face. Was he taking in the slight darkness under his eyes? Did he see the sadness? "I don't know." Akira answered truthfully. Those green eyes turned away to look at the girl that was standing next to him. Hikaru looked at her as well, wondering who exactly she was. Oh he knew that she was a lower dan but…The girl looked between the two, becoming flustered. It often happened now, to all the lower players when the two 'dragons' were together. It was somewhat frustrating and humorous at the same damn time. "When would you like to meet?" Ah. That made it clearer now. It still didn't ease the growing tightness in his chest.

"Anytime, Touya-san. I'm very grateful." She bowed her head and Akira looked uncomfortable. He looked away.

"Would tomorrow at 1 be all right?"

"Yes." Her cheerful expression would have been answer enough. She walked away with a smile on her face. With a strained smile on his own face, Hikaru nudged Akira and was startled when Akira looked at him with wide eyes and actually jumped at the simple touch. The teasing remark he'd been about to give, died before it started.

"Sorry." He whispered instead. He ran a nervous hand through his head. "Would you like to hang out today?"

_Something's wrong somehow_

"…" He didn't know how to answer the question. He didn't think he even had an answer. None that would be truthful. "I don't know." He finally muttered. He looked to where Waya and Isumi were sitting. He didn't miss the look that was shining in Waya's amber eyes. The games would start soon. "I doubt I'd be very welcome." He finally said. "But if you want me to come, I'll come. Excuse me…" He'd tried to smile but found that he couldn't. "The games are about to start." He explained as he started to walk away.

_It feels like something deep inside has died_

It had been his choice. He'd made it on his own. He'd thought he'd known what to expect, how to react. He'd thought he'd known… He'd thought he'd put a lot of thought about it. Apparently he'd been wrong. Hikaru watched as Akira made his way into the game room, finding the go board he was supposed to play on and kneeling there, looking as he'd always been. Looking as if nothing was wrong. As if Hikaru wasn't dying as well. Damn it! It hurt him too!

But he doesn't know. Part of his mind whispered, Akira doesn't know. He doesn't know why. 'He might think I don't care anymore. That I don't love him anymore.' And those thoughts hurt him even more. He brushed off the hand that had made its way onto his shoulder and made sure his lips curved into a quick grin that he threw over his shoulder to Waya. He made a little victory sign with his fingers before managing to get his throat to work.

"He'll be coming. We'll have fun…" The lie was atrocious. It was all he could come up with though.

_So why do I feel so desperate now_

It was empty in the game room still which was surprising. Akira took his position after having taken a quick glance at the sheet. Hopefully the game would be a quick one. But one where he wouldn't massacre the opponent in the first few minutes. No growth could come from such games. His eyes quickly looked over his watch and he sighed. He took a glance around him.

He could have counted the number of people in the room on both hands. He frowned. The strangeness of it all was cutting through his pain. He wanted desperately for something to be normal.

Anything.

Anything at all. And it seemed he was getting the exact opposite of what he wished. His hand rose to rest where his heart lay beating oddly. Shindo, Waya, Isumi-san, Ochi, that girl… what was going on. Suddenly Ogata-sensei stormed into the room, his blue eyes piercing.

"Touya." The name was snapped into the quietness and made him jump.

"Yes."

"I think you need to come with me. Now."

_Why do I feel like_ _dying_

He was brought into one of the rooms where press conferences were usually held. It was empty and Akira could only stare in dumb surprise as a newspaper was forced into his hands.

"What?" He started but his eyes were moving, reading the words even through his surprise. If any numbness was still in him, surrounding his mind and heart, it was ripped away. It was printed. Printed in black and white like a bad joke.

How could they? His hands trembled. The newspaper dropped and he stared at it blindly as it fell to the ground. The words were becoming blurry.

"This isn't happening?" He whispered. "Please…"

_Why do I feel desperate now_

"What the heck was that all about?" Waya asked, looking perplexed. Hikaru shrugged, looking worriedly at where the two men had disappeared. People were starting to arrive slowly, looking at him in a strange way. He didn't notice it at first. He was just so worried. But then it hit him. They were all looking at him. All of them. Waya frowned. "What the hell is wrong with everyone today?" He grumbled out. One person came forward, looking at Hikaru with a mixture of disgust and anger.

"Well now I finally understand how you were able to move up so fast in the Go world." The Go player stated, staying far enough away to not be touched, but close enough so that he could see the hurt, anger, and confusion flash through Hikaru's face. "Even with all those matches you missed your first year of becoming a pro."

"What?" Hikaru asked confused by the attack. "What the hell is your problem?"

"Sleeping with Touya to get better. I'm sure he taught you _everything_…" The words were like a whip. Words stayed stuck in his throat.

"What did you say?" Waya apparently didn't have that problem. He advanced slowly, his hands forming fists at his side. The other Go player looked up surprised and took a step back at the anger he read in the red head's face.

"…" Hikaru still tried to get his throat to function. His hand actually came up to his throat. 'No…' He fought to breath. 'No… not now. Not now. It was over… it was over!'

_Why do I feel desperate now_

Ogata-sensei said nothing for a minute, just kept looking, taking in the sight of the younger man. He'd never seen Akira like this.

"It was over…" Akira's voice broke. "He'd ended it… why now? Why now when it was all over?" They'd kept it a secret the whole time and now, now when it was over… The green eyes closed and a wave of sympathy washed over the older man, making him want to reach out. He quelched it though. Other things needed to be taken care of.

Akira shuddered against the wall he was leaning on. Someone must have heard us… someone… but who? And why would they do this?

"So this is true than." Ogata-sensei hissed the words out. "This is bad." The man sighed and placed a hand over his glasses as if in deep thought. "But it can be mended." He pushed the glasses up, making them flash in the grayness of the room. Akira looked up. "You have to mend it." He grabbed the younger man's shoulder and shook it. "You need to mend it. Now."

_I keep breaking all the promises_

"…S-s…" Hikaru started to manage. "STOP IT!" His hands covered his ears. "It was OVER! It was OVER! We ended it. We ended it." A newspaper was thrown at him.

"Stupid fag." The words were hissed out at him. He didn't hear it. He felt his heart crumbling. Everything for nothing. Everything… for nothing… He scrambled to his feet, avoiding the newspaper as if it was fire. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be happening. He saw Ochi get up, surprise written all over his face. The younger boy reached out taking the newspaper in his hand. His face got this closed look on it.

"So that's why…" Hikaru thought he heard him whisper. He couldn't know for sure though. His heart was beating too fast, too loudly in his chest. His parents would know. His parents would know. God… NO. All the looks. All the looks of disdain.

And their thoughts. It was all too clear. They thought… they didn't even think he had loved Akira…They just thought… it was too horrible. Too horrible. He tried to walk out and was tripped. He landed hard on his knee and Waya growled. The redhead punched the stupid bastard as Hikaru tried to get up. A strong hand suddenly pulled him up and he looked up wildly, about to push away. Monster. His mind was screaming. Disgusting. Monster. Wrong. So wrong… All the words that had never once left him in the past weeks. They had never left him. He choked on a sob. It was Akira holding him. The green eyes were cold. Glacial. They didn't even look at him. They just looked at the other occupants in the room.

"ENOUGH." His voice was quiet but powerful. Everyone stilled. Waya even. Although he only stopped for a minute before going back to punching the guy. Then he stopped, dropping the guy's t-shirt with disgust. His amber eyes then looked straight into Akira's daring him to say anything. Anything at all. "Is this a Go institution?" The question was asked. "Or a gossip house?" The newspaper that Akira had been carrying in his other hand was thrown to the ground. "What we do with our private lives has nothing to do with Go." He hissed. "And you had better keep that in your heads." He finally looked at Hikaru. He let go of the arm and Hikaru winced. He hadn't realized Akira had been holding on so tight. "Any true Go player knows it impossible to get as far as any of us have gotten by anything but a true passion and mastery of the game. If anyone thinks Shindo has used some other methods to get to where he is now then he is a fool who doesn't know the game and does not know how to read properly." People looked at him, expression differing as some were ashamed, some angry, some horrified… some scared even. No one had ever seen him like this, not even Hikaru. And at the anger he saw in Akira's eyes, he was scared as well. Ogata-sensei came, placing himself behind Akira as the younger man finished. "It clearly stated in the article, that Shindo and I were no longer a couple."

"If you've come for your Go matches…" The older man started, pushing his glasses back onto his nose. "Then I suggest you start playing." At his words, Akira walked forward, sitting back down where he'd originally been. A few people left, a few people stood awkwardly lost in the event. Most sat down. The Go player who'd attacked Hikaru verbally was left on the ground, almost forgotten before Ogata-sensei sighed and looked after him. A nurse was called in. A broken nose. And all this went around and around and around…until darkness was the only thing that was left for him. The kind of darkness that colors only nightmares. Except this time his nightmare was his reality.

'Mom…' The spike of fear that hit him then left him with only one option. Hikaru swirled on the spot and ran, ran while he got his shoes on, ran and ran until he could no longer run anymore.

_That I keep making to myself_

The house was there like it had always been before. And tears made their way out of Hikaru's eyes. He couldn't run anymore. His throat was parched, a huge lump growing larger by the minute was stuck… keeping him out of breath, wheezing. His legs hurt, they were trembling from all the running he'd made them do. And now that he was where he wanted to be… he couldn't move anymore. He just kept looking at his house as if it would disappear on him. Staggering a bit he took the last few steps that would bring him to the door. His hand latched onto the doorknob.

_But promises mean nothing to me anymore_

Everything was broken. Akira looked up. His game was done. Hikaru was gone. Everyone knew. A broken promise. His eyes caught hold of Ogata-sensei. He'd have time to break down earlier. For now the numbness would do… He had no choice. It would have to do. He looked at his opponent. "Would you like to go over the game?"

_Circling the drain_

"Mom?" Hikaru managed to twist the door into opening. "Mom?" Maybe she hadn't gotten the newspaper yet. Maybe… maybe… "Mom? I'm home ear— " His words trailed off as she finally came into view. 'Please god, no…'

_Spiraling to hell_

"What are you doing here?" Her voice was so different. He looked at her in shock.

"I…I came home early." He started to answer, feeling like he was losing his grip on reality.

"Is that him?" His dad's voice.

"Guess… I'm… not the only one." He managed to choke out. He was too late. "Mom…" He started to plead. "Let me explain…" His father stepped into view and caught his mother as she started to sob. "Mom, I didn't mean to. Please… please you've got to…"

"We have no son." His father said clearly over the sobbing. "The Shindo's know of no Shindo, Hikaru." He pointed to bags, suitcases and boxes that were piled near the wall. Why hadn't he noticed them before? Why? He took a step back. "Get out of this house." No. no. no. no. no. no. no. NO! He took another step back. This wasn't happening.

"…please…" He tried weakly, tears were running down his face. "I couldn't help it. I loved him. But I ended it. I ended it for you…"

"Get out!" The father who'd always been too busy, who'd never been there, who'd always just never really seemed to care before suddenly let go of his mother, letting her fall limply onto the floor like a rag doll. He moved towards him with much speed, his hands grabbing at several of the bags and throwing them out the open door. "Get out, now!" Hikaru followed the order blindly, his eyes never leaving his mother's fallen form.

It was his fault.

His fault.

Monster.

_So why do I feel desperate now_

The door slammed shut behind him and he stared brokenly at the stuff that surrounded him. He looked at the sky--sunny. Bright. He kept staring up. It was all a bad dream. It just had to be. God. Somebody save him. He fell down, crying. Somebody save him.

_Why do I feel like dying_

Night was falling and Waya was feeling more than a little anxious at not having heard any news from Shindo. It didn't help that he had called the Shindo household only to be told very firmly that they didn't have a son. The clicking sound of the phone hanging up on him still shocked him. The bile continued to make its way up in his throat.

This world…Sucked.

The twenty-what, twenty first century and people still were this closed minded. He closed his eyes. He'd called Touya's apartment only to have the answering machine greet him with its electronic message. He'd left a quick message and then hung up. He'd made his way around town, searching but he'd found nothing. Isumi, who had stayed behind at their own shared apartment, had promised to call in case Shindo showed up, had yet to call.

"Shindo, damn it. Where are you?" Waya whispered. "Where the hell are you?"

_Why do I feel desperate now_

Akira kicked off his shoes, mortally tired and numb to the core. Hordes and hordes of people each demanding an answer from him, demanding to be seen, claiming it was their right to know. Why was it? Why was it their right, he'd asked. None had been able to give him a good enough answer. But they'd kept him stuck in that little room, suffocating him with their… attitudes. God. He closed his eyes and leaned into the wall that he was closest to.

If only they could have foreseen this.

If only…

A tear made its way out.

"Is it all right now?" He whispered into the still darkness. "Is it all right now if I break?" He asked again. "Ogata-sensei… is it all right now?" The door bell ringing answered him instead. He straightened up, making sure his tie was in its rightful place with an absent hand. Then he turned around facing the door He opened it. "He—" The slapping sound of a hand to his cheek echoed down the hallway.

"This is all your fault." The woman hissed. She turned around, almost running away. Shindo's mother. Akira's hand went up and pressed itself into his burning cheek. Shindo's mother. Oh god, Shindo's mother. He ran outside, forgetting to lock the door behind himself. He needed to find Shindo.

_Why do I feel desperate now_

Isumi and Waya exchanged glances as they stared at the guest room door which was closed. Waya had run back to the apartment a few minutes ago after he'd finally received the call from Isumi that he'd been waiting for. He'd only come back to find a worried looking Isumi who shook his head at Waya's questioning glance. The door was closed. And he accepted that. He knew he'd probably be the same way. In fact he had been. Which is why he turned away, walking into the small kitchen instead without knocking ont he door and trying to bring comfort to his friend first.

"Shindo… we'll be making dinner in the kitchen if you need us!" He called out as he snagged Isumi's elbow.

"Wa-ya…" Isumi looked behind him. "Shouldn't we…" Waya shook his head.

"Let him be for a bit."

…

Akira knocked on the door to Waya's apartment. He didn't know why he came here first instead of going to Hikaru's house but… he had. He had a feeling that Hikaru would be here. The door opened, revealing a surprised if not weary looking Isumi.

"Touya?" The man asked.

"Is he here?" He asked, ignoring the greeting not in rudeness but in fear. Isumi nodded, opening the door wider and mutely pointed to a door that was a bit further down their small entrance. "Thank god," He walked in and hesitated at the door. Isumi's blue eyes were watching him again with that pained understanding.

"Go in." The older man urged gently. "Waya and I will be in the kitchen if you need anything." Akira nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He took a deep breath and then opened the door. Hikaru looked up when he came in allowing Akira to look at Hikaru's face freely. He took in the tear stained cheeks, the puffy red eyes… And he said nothing. He only walked in further and went down to his knees bringing the other boy into the comfort of his arms. Then they were both crying and there was no words to be said… none that could be said.

To be continued…


End file.
